


Unforgiving

by EvancexLizzie



Series: 2020 Dimilix Week [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Day 2, Dimilix Week (Fire Emblem), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Time Skip, Prompt : Tears, Resentment, Sad with a Happy Ending, they're messed up but at least they're together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22752646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvancexLizzie/pseuds/EvancexLizzie
Summary: 2020 Dimilix week, Day 2: Tears / Childhood“You don’t have to hold back your tears with me, Felix.” A sunbeam, managing to warm Felix’s cheeks without even touching them. “And if you still don’t want to cry, it’s still alright. I will weep for you so those feelings don’t eat you from the inside.”It felt like a promise.It sounded like devotion.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Series: 2020 Dimilix Week [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1633060
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	Unforgiving

**Author's Note:**

> heeeeere we go
> 
> enjoy

_crybaby_ (noun): 

  1. a person, esp. a child, who cries often or with little cause
  2. a person who complains when he or she fails to win or get his or her own way



When Felix was a child, everyone used to call him a _crybaby_.

It wasn’t a nice nickname, as it was either used to make fun of him or scold him. And Felix hated when people called him this way, it irritated him to a point where he would start crying again. 

For a time, he did try to suppress his crying urges, or at least to stop crying in front of people. Whenever something bothered him, and he felt his bottom lip slightly tremble and the tears threatening at the corner of his eyes, he would quietly excuse himself and indulge himself in some crying session away from the judgemental stare of his father or the not-so-funny comments of his brother and his childhood friends. 

As he often came back with reddened, puffy eyes, nobody was fooled and Felix knew it. But Glenn did stop calling him a crybaby, Sylvain’s allusions to his sensitiveness did greatly decrease, and his father did cease to repeat that a future King would have no use of a swordsman that couldn’t stop whining. 

This latest statement had often made Felix’s crying intensify, considering he wanted nothing more than to be a valuable asset to the Prince, even though he still hadn’t met him. 

As part of the royal guard, Glenn would often see him and would gladly indulge Felix during bedtime by telling him small details about the Prince. How he looked and behaved, what he wore and did during his leisure time, his favorite books and dishes. Afterward, Felix laid in his bed, imagining the Prince do all the things Glenn had spoken about earlier and dreaming about the day he would finally meet him.

This day eventually came.

The King had decided to visit the humble Dukedom of Fraldarius, bringing along his son for the first time. For this occasion, other noble families of the Kingdom had gathered at the castle including the families of Sylvain and Ingrid. Felix could barely hide his excitement as he strolled through the castle and watched all the preparations for the feast that was to come. 

The night before the King’s arrival, he barely slept. The excitement of finally meeting the Prince and the fear of all the things that could go wrong kept him awake most of the time. To finally allow himself some rest, he kept repeating how under no circumstance he would cry during the time of the Prince’s stay. As sleep finally got the better of him, he dreamed of the valuable asset he would become to protect his Prince.

Dimitri was exactly as Glenn had described it, but Glenn had certainly forgotten to warn Felix about one thing: the Prince’s smile. It was mesmerizing, a mixture of shyness and kindness, tender and genuine, and it felt like a sunbeam warming the blue-haired boy’s body. If Felix were to fall in love with the boy himself later on, he would never forget that he first fell in love with his smile.

After the boys were properly introduced to each other and had to go through the whole welcoming ceremony -that felt like an eternity-, they were allowed to venture outside the castle and play in the garden, along with Sylvain and Ingrid whereas Glenn was to accompany them to ensure Dimitri’s safety. 

Felix could sense that Dimitri wasn’t that much used to play with other children of his age. Glenn had already told him that the Prince’s life at the castle was pretty lonely and that he couldn’t wait to meet the sons and daughters of the dukedoms that composed the Kingdom of Faerghus. 

In spite of this, Dimitri quickly fitted in their little group. He had told them shortly after their introduction to forget about the formalities and to simply call him “Dimitri”. While Felix and Ingrid had trouble getting used to it, Sylvain had quickly adopted the habit.

After discussing it, they finally chose to play hide and seek as Glenn would be the one seeking them. The children ran in different directions while the older boy started to count, eyes closed and body facing the tree. Felix knew the playground by heart, but he knew that the same could be said for Glenn. As such, he decided to forget about his usual hideout, and seek something more daring. 

He also wanted to use this opportunity to impress the Prince.

As such, Felix started to climb one of the highest trees in the garden. He managed to go up far enough to sit on the lowest branch, which laid pretty far away from the ground in his opinion. Hidden by the prominent leaves, the boy was proud of having found such a hideout, and couldn’t wait for Glenn to forfeit.

Perched on his tree, Felix waited. Around ten minutes after he had settled in, he heard footsteps and carefully retreated behind more luxurious branches. He caught sight of Glenn walking under the tree and casually looking around him, not even thinking about raising his head. At this moment, Felix’s heart was filled with pride.

After Glenn left to seek out other places, Felix began wondering how much time did he need to wait before going down and claim he’s won. Taking a careful look at the trunk, he also wondered how he was even going to come down. He hadn’t thought about it when climbing up and now kind of wished he had.

He waited for what felt like an eternity. Glenn didn’t come back to check this place, and Felix couldn’t hear any sound apart for wind shuffling through the leaves and birds singing. Progressively, panic began to rise in his chest and envelop his body. He realized that he was trapped here with no idea on how to go down without falling and certainly breaking one of his bones. 

He was starting to feel paralyzed as the sun was starting to go down. The idea of screaming came to his mind, but Felix wasn’t sure he could prevent himself from crying if he did so, and he had promised himself not to cry.

Time flew by, and still no sign of anyone coming around to search for him. Crippled by anxiety, Felix wondered if they had somehow forgotten about him. Glenn wouldn’t do that, would he? He wouldn’t abandon him, they were too close to each other for him to act like this.

A moment later, as Felix was seriously considering screaming to alert the others about his whereabouts, he heard distinctive footsteps getting closer to him, his heart jolting at the sound. He looked down, as the sun hadn’t completely set down and still provided enough light, to find Dimitri walking under the tree, seemingly looking for something, or someone.

"Your Hig- Dimitri !” Felix spoke loud enough to get his attention, trying his best not to look too nervous. 

Dimitri looked up and a smile immediately appeared on his angelic face. “Felix! Glenn has been looking everywhere for you.” He stopped for an instant as his stare turned towards the trunk. “Did you manage to climb up by yourself?”

Felix could sense the admiration in Dimitri’s tone but honestly didn’t feel that proud anymore, considering he was currently trapped at the top. He still nodded frankly enough for the Prince to notice.

“That is impressive, I wish I could do that.” The second part of the sentence was merely a whisper, but Felix managed to hear anyway, a little blush spreading on his cheeks. “Well, you can go down now. Glenn has expressly stated you had won.” 

“I-...” Felix knew he needed to be honest, but he was too afraid of breaking up his vow. He tried his best to lower the tone of his voice. “I… I can’t go down.”

Dimitri’s eyebrows furrowed, as he opened his mouth before closing it. He turned around the trunk, carefully examining it before coming under Felix’s branch again. “Felix, do not move. I am going to fetch for Glenn so he can-”

“No, I beg of you, don’t do that.” Felix couldn’t prevent his high-pitched voice to show up. Watching Dimitri’s curious gaze, he felt forced to give an explanation. “...I don’t want him to see me like this. Please.”

Dimitri seemed the weigh his possibilities and, after sighing, seemed to give up on the thought. He stayed silent for another few seconds, looking at Felix, before taking a decisive step. He positioned himself right under where the blue-haired boy was sitting, throwing his arms in front of him. “You can jump, Felix. I will be there to catch you.”

Felix swallowed with great difficulty, watching the other boy. “I-I can’t do that.”

“Felix, everything is going to be okay. You can do it.” His voice was gentle, and weirdly enough, it had the ability to calm down Felix’s crippling anxiety.

“Wha-What if I hurt you?” He could already imagine the look in his father’s eyes and the problems it would cause.

“You will not hurt me, I promise. Do not worry about that.” He made a quick pause, seeing Felix’s persistent hesitation. “Felix, do you trust me?”

Felix nodded without even taking the time to think about it. He would have entrusted his life to Dimitri far before meeting him. 

“Then you can jump. I will be there.”

Well, it wasn’t as if he had any other choice waiting for him, anyway. 

Felix took a deep breath, gathering all his courage, and gripped the branch he was sitting on with his hands, before using his strength to push him off the tree. 

The fall was quick and the landing rough. Felix felt Dimitri’s arm catching the back of his legs and the upper part of his back, but he also felt the blonde-hair boy crumbling under his weight. As such, when Felix opened his eyes, he found himself half sitting on the ground, half resting on Dimitri’s body who was himself mostly laying down the grass. His arms were still tightly clinging onto Felix’s body.

“D-Dimitri! Are you alright?” Felix squealed and Dimitri opened his eyes to look at him, a bright smile emerging on those pink lips.

“I am alright, thanks for asking. How about you?”

Felix simply nodded, not daring to look at Dimitri anymore. Now that the rush of adrenaline was starting to slide away, his chest painfully ached and his throat clenched so tightly he was having trouble breathing. As he felt like he could no longer hold back the tears that had been threatening to fall down for that last hour, he hid his face between his hands. 

Still, there was no way Dimitri wouldn’t notice his shaking body and the muffled sobs.

“F-Felix? Are you hurt? Did something happen?” Mild panic tainted Dimitri’s voice.

“D-” His voice was hardly audible, muffled by his hands and hashed by his small whimpers. “D-Don’t look at me… please…”

His muffled sobs soon transformed into upright crying. Felix felt so unshamed at his self for crying in front of the Prince when he had promised himself not to, and the lingering thought of Dimitri being suddenly disgusted to see such a weakling only made his cries intensify.

He didn’t notice that Dimitri’s arms were gone from his back until he felt a gentle touch wrapping his shoulder. “Everything is okay. It was indeed a frightening experience.”

Felix loudly sniffed, still not uncovering his face. “I-I shouldn’t… cry…”

“Why shouldn’t you cry?”

Felix weakly shook his head as he used the sleeves of his shirt to wipe away the tears that were still abundantly rolling down his cheeks. Dimitri’s arm was still gently wrapped around his neck, lightly stroking his shoulder. 

“My father doesn’t like it when I cry,” Dimitri spoke again. “He says it is not befitting of a future King. But my mother always tells me to cry whenever I feel like it. She says it’s better to let those emotions out because they might eat you from the inside otherwise.”

Dimitri words had a calming effect on Felix, who slowly stopped wailing. He was frenetically rubbing his sleeve against his eyes and dared to open them to stare at Dimitri, who was still smiling at him brightly. 

“You don’t have to hold back your tears with me, Felix.” A sunbeam, managing to warm Felix’s cheeks without even touching them. “And if you still don’t want to cry, it’s still alright. I will weep for you so those feelings don’t eat you from the inside.” 

It felt like a promise.

It sounded like devotion.

* * *

  
  


It’s been years since Felix last cried.

“Felix, I think we need to talk-"

Felix turns around to stare at Dimitri, annoyance plastered on his face.

If he hates this sentence enough as it is, he loathes it even more when it’s coming out of Dimitri’s mouth.

"No, we don't." 

They’re back at the castle after a long day of traveling back from the countryside. As soon as they arrived, Felix eclipsed himself and went back to his bedchambers, wishing nothing more than a little quiet. 

But that was before Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd decided to follow him all the way down to his private quarters, chasing and calling after him like he would with a reluctant cat getting away from undesirable attention.

And everyone knows that a cat unwilling to be touched is to be reckoned with if you keep insisting.

Everyone but Dimitri apparently.

"F-Felix- I-" 

Dimitri doesn’t get to finish his sentence as Felix’s lips angrily smash against his, having crossed the distance between us and pinning the other man against the wall. By now, the blue-haired man knows it’s the only way to properly silence the holy King, allowing his ears and his mind a little rest while still engaging himself in a quite pleasurable activity.

His kiss is raw and unforgiving, his body pressed against Dimitri’s body as the latter reluctantly melts into the embrace, his hands resting against the collarbones of the shorter man. Felix’s touch is rough, as his hands grip tightly onto the King’s shirt collar, before trailing down to his waist. It’s a good thing that Dimitri took off his armor to ride his horse, it makes it easier for his fingers to disappear under his shirt, palping the bare skin and the well-known battle scars. 

At some point, Felix’s mouth deserts Dimitri’s swollen lips to assault his jaw and his throat, nibbling at the skin. His hands dangerously brush against his navel, progressing towards what‘s located beneath.

Unfortunately for him, Dimitri’s common sense seems to return as soon as his mouth isn’t silenced anymore. “F-Felix!” He wiggles his head on the side, trying to offer some resistance to Felix’s lascivious assaults as his hands seem to be everywhere. “Felix, stop!”

The blue-haired man’s body freezes on the spot, the words acting like a cold shower. By hearing Dimitri’s tone, he knows perfectly that the latter isn’t just making it difficult for him.

After a few seconds of inertness, Felix’s hand retracts from under Dimitri’s shirt and he takes a step back, watching the holy King regain his breath with an openly displeased look. "If _his Highness_ isn’t here for that then I can only suggest him to get the fuck out of my room. Now."

Dimitri’s mouth twists as he seems to be carefully studying Felix’s face, concern visible in his eye. "Felix, I just want to make sure you’re all right."

Felix scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. "I’m fine." 

He folds his arms, his intense gaze piercing Dimitri’s cerulean eye, as he waits for the other to leave his room now that Felix has thoroughly answered his question. However, Dimitri doesn’t appear to comply, still unmoving.

"Are you sure?” After all these years, the blonde-haired man still doesn’t know any better than to press subjects with the swordsman. It’s infuriating. “You know you can talk to me about anything."

No, he can’t talk about it and that’s the thing.

What is there to say anyway? Yes, he nearly lost his life today, suddenly losing control of his horse as they were crossing some narrow bridge, falling from the mount and ready to plunge right into the crevasse.

Thankfully, Dimitri has prevented that to happen by grabbing his arm and lifting him up.

End of the story.

"I already said I’m fine.” Groans Felix between his teeth. Everyone in this fucking castle keeps believing he has a fear of heights, just because he tends to avoid getting near them. That’s utterly silly. “Can you stop being so fucking clingy and just leave me alone? Don’t you have a kingdom to rule over instead of bothering me?"

Dimitri sighs, vibration sounding like defeat on his lips. His shoulders cower, making him look smaller, less powerful. “I wish you weren't so distant.", he admits with a small, heartbroken smile on his lips. 

Felix’s chest painfully tightens at the sight. He doesn’t have the energy to blindly contradict Dimitri just for the sake of it, still knowing that this conversation heads nowhere good. 

"I miss the young Felix sometimes.” It almost like Dimitri’s talking more to himself than to Felix, who clearly isn’t in the mood to reminisce about a past that was partly shattered into pieces by the man in front of him. “I’m not saying I don’t like you as you are now, far from it. But you were the one clinging to me before, now it just feels like the other way around. Things changed quite a bit.”

Felix’s hands clench to a point where his joints go blank, blood draining from his face.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

"Breaking news, _your Highness:_ war fucking changes people.” The voice filled with sarcasm and bitterness, Felix’s barely holding the boiling anger that threatens to burst out at any moment. 

“You know it’s not just about that,” Dimitri immediately retorts, “Before the war, Glenn’s death-” 

“The war,” interrupts Felix, voice low and threatening, as he clenches his teeth with so much force he can hear them shriek, “started when you fucking abandoned your humanity and slaughtered people, using my _brother’s_ name to justify your crimes.”

Dimitri’s eye widens, his mouth falling open, without any sound getting out of it. Blood drains from his face and he looks even paler now, skin as white as snow. 

Even upon watching Dimitri’s composure shatter like broken glass, Felix doesn’t regret the words he just threw at Dimitri with utmost bitterness.

So why does his chest clench so tightly he has trouble breathing?

"F- Felix", His voice sounds so pained Felix finds it almost unbearable to hear. "I’m not a fool, I know you haven’t forgiven me yet but… we-we have to talk about it-"

"I already said I didn’t want to talk.”, harshly interrupts Felix, fully knowing he’s partly at fault for the sick turn this conversation is taking. But he can’t do this now, he doesn’t have the strength. “What I only want from you is to get the fuck out of my bedchambers."

Yet it’s starting to feel like his wish will never be granted.

"Felix, please," It almost sounds supplicating and Felix can’t take it anymore. He’s in too much pain as he watches Dimitri’s self-control slowly drift apart over such a trivial matter. “I want this thing between us to work, but I can’t do it alone…”

“Then just discard it.” He doesn’t mean any of it, but the words flow out of his mouth before he can stop them. “That wouldn’t be the first time you throw away something because it’s too bothersome. Whether it’s your humanity or me, who cares after all. ”

He just wishes this conversation has never started to begin with. He just wishes he could hide his resentment and not throw it raw at Dimitri’s devastated face. He just wishes he could forget and forgive.

But Felix doesn’t forget. 

He sees Dimitri but still remembers the monster that took over himself and slaughtered innocents in front of Felix’s eyes. He lets Dimitri fuck him nice and slow but still recoils the animalistic touch of his older self and the way he feared it. He watches Dimitri’s sleeping form as he lies against him, but still reminisces about all the nights spent inside the cathedral, barely allowing his eye to close as ghosts were whispering words of praise to his ear.

But Felix doesn’t forgive. 

He can’t let go of that resentment that eats him alive day after day. He hates himself for holding grudges against the one he’s always cared about, the one he’s always loved; he’s been trying to bury his rancor deep inside, to not let it out crude and cruel, only resulting in driving Dimitri away. 

He just wishes he could explain that to Dimitri. Maybe, if he had more courage.

  
  


A long, painful howl forcefully pulls Felix out from his thoughts, as the tearful familiar voice deals a great blow into his heart. He watches Dimitri’s body shake as the latter suddenly bursts into tears, room being filled with the strangling sobs.

It’s neither quiet or elegant.

Dimitri falls on his knees, legs trembling so much they can’t properly hold him anymore. The intensity of his sobbing increases, and it sounds ugly, desperate, _heartbroken._

It also breaks Felix’s heart.

He rushes towards Dimitri’s, anger all forgotten as fear and concern for the other make his own body tremble, the crease in his brow deepening in anguish. He hesitates, not knowing exactly what’s happening, and softly sets his hand on the blonde-haired man’s shoulder. 

“Dimitri-” Breathes Felix, trying to be loud enough to cover the screaming. He doesn’t know what to say, afraid of only making things worse. It’s already his fault if Dimitri is in such a desperate state, his head bent towards the floor as he howls.

Against his better judgment, Felix decides to not add anything to the fuel. He just sits there, silently cursing at himself as he feels his heart ache in ways he thought weren’t possible anymore. The urge to start screaming along with Dimitri steadily rises up inside him, yet he pushes those feelings away.

After a while, Dimitri’s shaking seems to cool down a little. Felix hasn’t stopped stroking his shoulder, bringing all the warmth and comfort possible.

"I-I am so sorry…" The quiet voice, hoarse from the breakdown makes Felix’s heart scream painfully. He wants to dismiss the apology, but he doesn’t dare to open his mouth again. His words are nothing but knives used to harm and upset, after all. 

Dimitri rubs his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, cleaning away the evidence of what has just happened. 

“I will never be able to fully understand what you went through, Felix…” His voice is quavering, tears threatening to come back at any moment. “I just… I guess I thought that everything would be alright just by talking about it… Goddess- I am such a fool, you would certainly be far more contented if you weren’t forced to stay here…”

“I wouldn’t.” Felix doesn’t his best to not sound too harsh, but the sole thought of leaving Dimitri’s sight leaves him breathless with misery. “Don’t say that.”

“But Felix,” Dimitri turns his head around to face him, his fretting cerulean eye looking at him with a mixture of adoration and agony. “You’re in so much pain…” The blonde-haired man reaches forward to lay his trembling hand against Felix’s chest, at the place where his aching heart rests. Felix finds himself lingering to the touch. “And it feels like there is nothing I can do to make it easier for you. Even shedding tears in your stead doesn’t seem to ease your pain anymore.”

Something in Felix breaks.

The memory of a familiar, childish voice. A sunbeam and a promise.

_And if you still don’t want to cry, then I will weep for you._

On the day of Glenn’s death, Felix didn’t cry. He felt grief, agony and anger, but the tears he had shed so easily many times before wouldn’t come. Maybe the shock was too intense for him to process accordingly. Maybe he’s always cried for things that felt beyond stupid in comparison, and it didn’t feel like the proper gesture anymore. Maybe the fact that Dimitri was still alive allowed him not to fall mad with sadness.

On the day following Glenn’s death, as his father took him to see Dimitri, the only survivor of the tragedy, Felix didn’t cry either. A huge part of him was still processing the grief and a small part was ill with concern over Dimitri’s condition. Rodrigue had told him beforehand that the Prince hasn’t spoken nor cried since he was brought back from the slaughter, the shock certainly too great to handle. 

However, upon seeing Felix, Dimitri’s indifferent, disheartened face has been distorted with agony and grief, as he’s suddenly burst into tears, strangled sobs and shaken tears pouring for what felt like an indefinite amount of time.

Felix has never understood his sole presence had provoked such an intense and unexpected reaction.

At the end of the day, he was still able to forget.

  
  


Felix’s mouth falls open and his eyes widen in confusion, realization hitting him like a punch in the stomach, as he watches Dimitri’s worn-out face; as he watches the man who shed tears that weren’t his and spilled out a wave of anger that he didn’t feel being drained out for it, but still here.

Still keeping his promise.

He pulls Dimitri in a tight embrace, his body quivering against the taller man’s body. He pours all the strength he has left in his arms, clinging as much as possible on his shoulders, wishing to stay like this for as long as possible. 

After a few seconds, he feels Dimitri’s warm, comforting arms wrap around his waist as he leans to the touch.

Head nesting at the crook of the King’s nest, Felix decides to not answer, deny or contradict Dimitri in any way. For once, he can let go of his sarcasm and his retort to enjoy the comforting words of the man he’s loved since childhood.

If Felix decides not to say anything, it’s absolutely not because his throat is struggling with sobs threatening to come out.

If Felix decides not to say anything, it’s definitely not because he’s crying. 

  
  
  


_“Dimitri, you’re such a crybaby.”_

_“I only became a crybaby when you stopped being one.”_

**Author's Note:**

> resentful felix even after the war is over is a big hc of mine, one of the first i've had while discovering the game
> 
> but they'll manage, they always do
> 
> (kudos and comments are much appreciated hiii)


End file.
